college: year one

 ^^^self timer fail because this picture is an accurate representation of what it looks like to deal with college. also, it's one of my favorites.^^^

 ^^^i don't know what's going on with my foot either. it's fine.^^^

Welp, I've finished my freshman year of college. And as proof that I have fully immersed myself in byu culture, I present this little tidbit: I saw a sign that said "dating a mummy" and thought it meant going out with a British mom, not carbon dating a wrapped up Egyptian sarcophagus. Also, you get a bajillion roomie pictures in dorky creamery shirts. You're welcome

So instead of giving you a whole long essay of an introduction, why don't we just jump into the life lessons? You know, the ones I figured out this year that most of the rest of the world are already aware of? Ok.

First, and this one's the most important one, is don't stand in your own way. As a kid I always told myself I wasn't creative. I convinced myself that there wasn't a creative bone in my body because I could never get the teddy bear on the paper to look like the teddy bear in my head. But now I find myself taping watercolor designs to my closet door and browsing photography blogs in my spare time. I google dslr lenses and have a folder of my favorite pictures ever. Browsing Pinterest and Instagram is like my favorite thing. I've self designated myself the documenter of my little group of friends, and I kind of love it. So yeah, don't tell yourself that you're not this or that, because you totally can be.

Standing in your own way goes for making friends too. This year I dealt with a lot of internal things, issues that I've held on to for way too long. This year I finally hit the wall, the wall that was the tipping point between crumbling for good or just cracking a little bit. It wasn't until I started forgiving and going easier on myself that I was able to talk to people again, whether in the chickfila line or in class. I've held myself back from a lot of really great people and opportunities because I told myself I couldn't do it. I absolutely love where I am right now, but I'm determined not to let fear of failure or rejection continue to hold me back, because the only person telling me that I can't do it is myself. And that's just plain stupid.

Lesson number two- study for the dang test. Write the dang essay. I didn't learn this lesson until literally last weekend, but it pays off. I needed to get an 86 on a test and after the most stressful, nerve-wracking test of my life, preceded by lots of flashcard flipping and timeline drawing, I made an 87. An 8. 7. By the skin of my teeth y'all, but it happened. And even though I'm kind of laughing at how freaked out and nervous I was, and kind of thinking my weekend would have been way more fun if I'd watched netflix or gone hiking, and C's get degrees, right? Even though it was boring to study flashcards, seeing that 87 pop up on the screen was so rewarding guys. I forgot how exciting it is to get that grade you studied hard for. So study for the dang test already, even if watching friends is way more fun.

Also, I've discovered yoga, and guys, I've seen the light. Call me a hippie, but I totally dig the whole zen breathing thing. Take it slow guys. Plus, yoga is way harder than it looks. Just ask my aching back. I used to totally laugh at yoga and say it wasn't really exercise (jokes), so I guess this is kind of along the same lines as stop standing in your own way. Just get out of your head and do things, regardless of whether it's "cool" or "interesting" because it probably is, even if no one labels it as such.

And on the days where you do stand in your own way and you don't study for the test and you spend too much time sleeping/eating/watching netflix/reading, stop yelling at yourself, get a dirty dr pepper, walk around target, talk to your friends, and try again tomorrow.

So now I'm looking at four months away from this new town I call home and back in my little Georgia hometown. It'll be nice to have a break from essays and dorm life and endless reading assignments, but I'm not going to lie, I can't wait to get back out there with my girls and our apartment and my school. College, year one- check that off the bucket list.

Sincerely, mad

keep yourself amused

I think it's a pretty healthy thing to be friends with yourself. You know, a solid dose of self love.

I make faces in the mirror and run awkwardly to the car and have conversations with myself on a daily basis. After uncomfortable situations that I did not handle well I make fun of myself and send funny texts about it to my mom and best friend. I have a list of perfect instagram captions that I save on my phone just in case I end up posting all my favorite random pictures. I snapchat selfie like no other and get milkshakes at midnight from In-N-Out because gosh darn it I deserve it and it's tough reading literary theory for 3 hours straight. I have shower dance parties to Taylor Swift and One Direction but freeze every time I hear someone else walk into the bathroom because #dormlife. You don't even want to know how many times I've almost been caught in the hallway trying to take a selfie for Instagram that I never end up posting. I read through my twitter feed and crack up over my old tweets. I am an impulse buyer because I can talk myself into pretty much any purchase. I can rationalize Costa Vida or dirty dr peppers at any time of the day or night. When my outfit is on point, I walk around giving myself a pep talk, and when I make someone else laugh, I mentally pat myself on the back. Sometimes, suppressing laughter as I walk around campus is such a struggle because I can literally crack myself up. I actually have a folder of selfies on my computer for low self esteem days. I treat myself like a 5 year old who gets rewarded with food and tv after she does something responsible or productive. I may be biased, but I think it's pretty fun to be friends with myself.

I guess the whole point of this is just to say, keep yourself amused. You're probably a lot funnier than you think you are.

Sincerely, mad

shine, and be comfortably flawed

Hey. Here I am. My blogging fingers are a little rusty, so forgive me as I stretch them out.

Well, I'm a bit at a loss for words, which is a bit unusual for me, as my long winded blog posts in archives past can testify. But, it is the end of the year. And it was a big one. Lots of changes and learning and growing going on behind the scenes here. Big moves, first heartbreaks, solo voyages, lonely nights, new friends. 2014 was not what I expected it to be. This time last year, I was still waiting to hear from college. I wasn't sure if I was gutsy enough to fly across the world solo. I was a bit afraid of the person I wanted to be, hiding behind a mask of uncertainty and unmade decisions. I knew what I wanted, but I didn't think I was brave enough to go for it.

This year I learned that I am capable of more than I thought. I can feel more than I thought. I cared more than I thought. I was braver than I thought I could be. If there's one thing I've learned/discovered this year it is that I can be brave. Whether I was forced to become brave or forced to accept bravery I already possessed, I did some scary things this year, from flying across the world alone to job interviews to moving away from home to meeting with professors. I've had to grow up this year, and honestly, independence is a really neat feeling. It's liberating. In a way that includes enjoying new responsibilities and obligations. Like grocery shopping for milk and peanut butter and having a calling in church. Like online shopping and going to crossfit because you want to. Like remembering to wash your sheets and pay room and board. Those things are exhilarating, in a really mundane, ordinary, potentially monotonous way that is quite exciting when you're a brand new college student learning to chase what you want in life.

I've heard that a lot of people do this thing where they have a theme for the year. A word that sums up what they want to accomplish in the next three hundred and sixty five days. That sounds rather exciting, I think. I haven't quite decided yet. If I had to pick a word for 2014 it would be brave. Brave in a way I have never considered it before. Brave in a way that really probably isn't grammatically correct, but in a way that means something special to me, which I guess is the point. So I've decided to come up with a theme at the beginning of the year rather than trying to tie everything together at the end.

And the word I've chosen is shine. With the subtitle of being comfortably flawed.

I guess it started with the sign Megan gave me for Christmas, and it just kind of built from there. This year, I want to shine. But not in an obvious way. You see, my fatal flaw, my hamartia, to allude to John Green, is a strong tendency towards perfectionism. It's something I've been trying to come to terms with because it seems to affect every aspect of my life. It's why I'm such a people pleaser, and a horrid procrastinator, and a goody two shoes. I want to be perfect. I want everyone to like me. I want to do everything right. And this perfectionism is so strong that I tell myself it is better to fail without trying than it is to fail after I've done my best. I'm afraid of failing in school, in friendships, in love, in- dare I say it- life, that I don't always give 100 percent. So by giving myself the theme shine, my goal is to give this next year my all in every aspect of life. I want to work harder at school, save more money to accomplish those big British city dreams of mine, I want to be there for my friends and family as much as I can be. I want to show myself, not others, what I am truly capable of when I try my absolute best.

Which means I will inevitably fail because no one can do everything right all the time. And I realllllly don't like that. Which is why my subtitled theme for the year is being comfortably flawed. Over the past couple of years I've been trying to come to terms with who I am and the kind of person I want to be. Which means I've had to face several glaring flaws in the face. And as much as I try to hide from them and pretend like they're not there, they exist and I need to handle them. So this year, as I try to give everything my all and inevitably fail, I want to remind myself that it's ok to mess up. And to be comfortable with being imperfect.

I don't know what's going to happen this year. I don't know who I'm going to meet or how I'm going to get hurt or how happy I could end up. I just know that I've grown tired of having expectations set for myself that I always seem to fall short of. So this year my resolution is just to try my best, even when that means messing up.

How's that for a jump back in to the blogosphere?

Sincerely, mad